Pretentious, Self-Righteous Essays

I’ve been to ugly places and back so many times in my life that I just expect something horrible to happen, and the circumstances to be unbearable. But I do this not in a pessimistic sort of way.  It’s more like a “that’s a part of life” sort of way.  I reached my lowest low around 2002-3.  There were a lot of things going on then.  What got me through it was the realization that I just needed to survive it.  Nobody asked anything of me.  Only I demanded everything of myself.  I was my own worst enemy, feeling as though I needed to not only survive, but that I needed to do so spectacularly – the way the heroes do in the movies.  But I only needed to live  … which was nearly impossible not to do.  It’s not as though all of the emotional pain could kill me directly.  Only I could do that.

//

A Peek Through Tinted Glasses

By Carolyn Ursabia (circa 2000)

Did you know I died that day?

Held loosely onto life’s last breath

Decided I had nothing more to give,

I closed my eyes and embraced my death.

Didn’t I deserve more than this?

Because, I swear, I’ve done my best.

The blind faith wasn’t good enough

To have succeeded beyond this relentless test?

Because a heart can only take so much.

When broken, needs time to heal.

What then when it all comes down at once?

Mine surrendered its capacity to feel.

I thought experience was supposed to grant wisdom:

Break you down, then make you strong,

Open up your heart and mind

And teach you right from wrong.

Yet, still I see my world of darkness

Where no one saw my pain.

I see my restless, cloudy skies

And endless nights of rain.

I see myself, an empty shell

The remnants of a mind

The memory of who could have been

Had life, to me, had been more kind.

//

The Days of Grey

By Carolyn Ursabia (circa 2003)

I reside in the days of gray -

The meaningless ‘in between’

Where nothing counts.

Outside the bright sun shines

And makes me angry

Because it lies – the sun lies!

It is not a bright new day

Time could not have passed

Because I am still here

Where nothing changes inside me.

And where once I had hoped

That it would be TIME that would save me,

I was wrong.

Instead TIME opened up my eyes.

It shone the sun’s LIGHT upon the truth:

Time does not heal all wounds.

//

Daniel, you always rescued me, and taught me that I never needed saving.

//

I feel I should preface each of my movie comments with a note that it will be just that – a comment – and not a review.  My aim is to remember what I think of the dozens of movies that I watch.

Anyway, I enjoyed watching this movie.  There’s really only one thing [sadly] that I’d want to remember about it years from now: Holmes’ plans of attack.  He provided an explanation for each hit, block, and even cited the recovery period.  It prevented each fight scene from becoming a mess of action that was difficult to follow.

In my third year of working in an office environment, I had a disagreement with a colleague at a staff meeting.  It was one of the final meetings prior to the biggest event that we used to run in that company.  Here was the situation: we had a team contact us about registering late.  I, as the Office Manager, said ‘no’ to letting them in.  The event was sold out, registration had been open for half a year, and admitting them at that point in time would have required changing all of the plans that had already been made.  Game schedules would have had to be redone (registered teams approached a total of 2000), supplies, and accommodations  – in general – would cumulatively amount to [imho] more work than the money from their registration fee would have afforded us.  Our Marketing Manager strongly disagreed, stating that the effort would not only make the team (who may potentially be well-connected) happy, it would make us look good.  Needless to say, at the time I disagreed that we’d look “good” by breaking our rules for one team.  Well, long story short: we let the team in.  They were ecstatic.  The event went off seamlessly.  I got OT pay.  Everyone was happy.

The other day, we reached an application deadline.  There were postings, and there were applicants to these postings.  The deadline was for the applications to postings.  The day following this deadline, someone sent me a .. posting! I panicked and tried to think of ways of accommodating this late posting.  I thought perhaps of emailing his posting to all applicants to see if any of them were interested.  I even thought of extending the deadline so as to give this posting a chance at getting a great applicant.  I looked to the person running this posting/application process, and her advice was to keep our deadlines such as they are, and just let the poster know and find another reasonable solution. I would have killed myself to ensure that I accommodated this late request, but I was advised not to.  I feel badly about not going out of my way, but I am aware that it wasn’t necessary and that it was perfectly fair and fine to follow the deadlines such as they were laid out.

I have this strange feeling that the former experience shaped my inclinations for all future ones.  I suppose I could call it a “Customer-Service Oriented” attitude.  Does this make me understanding? a push-over? a good employee? or none of the above. Whatever the answer is, looking back, I know who I blame for the change.

It’s hard to pinpoint the moment that we get trapped in a rut, but today I feel inclined to blame long-term goals and detailed planning.  At some point, the day-to-day (i.e. minor details that are often overlooked when aiming for your goal) becomes so monotonous that it slowly sucks the life out of you.  Or rather, it slowly had sucked the life out of you, and before you even knew it, you were dead – but a brainless zombie making your way about.  And where once a task was a tiny step that brought you closer to your goal, it became the bane of of your existence.

The first real high school event I ever sang at was the Christmas Concert when I was in the twelfth grade.  I sang an a Capella rendition of Boyz II Men’s  Let It Snow (ft Brian McKnight).  There were lights, cameras, and a full audience that listened intently and applauded loudly.  The experience was intoxicating.

I still remember auditioning for this event.  After having been called “too operatic sounding” in my then-most recent audition, I was really nervous as I walked into a room to sing for the Principal and the Chemistry teacher.  They were, after all, tremendously talented singers, themselves.  But I did it.  And I got the ‘ok’ to perform in the show.

I was so excited and nervous that all I did was rehearse.  The trouble was that I had an English paper due on the same day as the performance.  My choice was clear when I performed preparedly, and afterward asked my teacher for an extension.

This is the first memory I have of failing to meet a deadline.  I risked my average for a performance.  I was lucky that time because my teacher enjoyed my performance and she gave me the extension without penalty.  She said she understood.  I felt guilty at the time for asking for and accepting her mercy, thinking I deserved the consequence of a penalty for the late submission.  I had this crazy idea instilled in me that the “real world” (i.e. life after high school) wouldn’t afford me such leniency, and that I shouldn’t get used to it.

I’ve found that high school, through its [seemingly] arbitrary rules, deadlines, and punishment, gives us a false impression of life afterward.  There is perhaps utility in their enforcement, especially on impressionable youth and adolescents.  However, the truth is, it’s only ever become increasingly clear to me how institutions are all run by people, and all people have the potential to be very understanding…

Nothing still quite comes close to Pandora.  I still remember the day I tried to login, and all I got was a message saying that it was no longer available to non-U.S. residents.  Anyway, there have been others, such as Grooveshark, but none of them are able to recommend artists and songs based on more than just genre.  Pandora looked at vocal styles, lyrical content, instrumentation… Every recommendation was surprisingly good.  (The key word here is “surprising”.)

Anyway, Youtube has just launched “Disco”.  It doesn’t quite list all of musical elements of each song the way Pandora did, but it does let you do things that others didn’t:

1. Watch the music videos.

2. Replay any song any number of times, as desired.

For these two reasons alone, so far, it wins.

To quote myself, as I am wont to do, stories can be epic or empty depending on how they are told. So, as much I wanted to start this post with the following question, I couldn’t because I already knew my answer:

I don’t know what made this movie so bad: the incompetency that led to the failed coup or the movie itself.

I am presuming, of course, that the events *could* have been painted in a different light.  I’m not saying I’m blind to the message that they were trying to send (i.e. that there was integrity in the effort).  I just think that the poor decisions leading to the failure of the plan could have been made to feel less reflective of their folly.  I feel like the movie made the conspirators look like idiots trying to execute a plan that was way over their heads.  Was that necessary?  I don’t think so.

I still remember first hearing Wavin’ Flag on CHUM FM last fall, falling in love with it as it played, and dying to hear the artist’s name at the end so I could look him up.  It was certainly not a voice I had ever heard before.  I guess they announced it before the song and I missed it because I distinctly remember having to go to CHUM FM’s website to get the song info.

Anyway, much reading and listening later, I now dub him as one of my favourites.  Rolling Stone describes him as someone who thinks like Bob Marley, flows like Eminem and mixes African music with conscious hip-hop, unabashed pop and even metal.

The insight into the culture that he grew up in, the catchy hooks, and his vocal style – for me – are what sets him apart from the rest.

Current favourite songs off his Troubadour include:

If Rap Gets Jealous

People Like Me

Take a Minute

and

Wavin’ Flag

Please join me in praising him.

Michael Cera steps outside the box with alter ego Francois Dillinger, whose blue eyes, scruffy face, and stylish apparel make him actually seem like a different person.

Dialog-wise, this movie was filled with tons of little gems.  But what else can be expected of a movie that gives 16-year-olds the ability to articulate like an English major in his/her senior year?  It was reminiscent of Dawson’s Creek, but so much better because their aim was to be funny, and not serious.

I think what I liked best about this movie was its commentary on the portrayal of love in the movies.  Michael Cera had a line in the beginning that went something like In the movies, the nice guys get the girl, but in real life it’s usually the prick. I felt like this was to foreshadow the end that I didn’t expect: that the girl of his dreams would still want him after all of his deviousness and scheming.  Sadly, this is a more accurate depiction of real life women and their emotions than what I expected.  i.e. that she’d stand up for herself and ‘what’s right’, and vow to never speak to him again.  Sigh.

As put by Ebert, “at the end [he] throws in several WTF! Moments, which are a bonus. They make everything in the entire movie impossible and incomprehensible — but, hey, WTF.” Was it pro-Christianity?  pro-atheism?  pro-faith-based religions?  None of the above?  Was Eli’s trek “miraculous”?  Was it just luck?  These are the fun questions you ask when you walk away from this movie.  In spite of Carnegie’s dialog and the final scene with all of the sacred religious texts, I say it was pro-Christianity (and not even just pro-faith-based-religions, in general), but what do I know?

“Eli has been walking west across the devastated landscape of America for 30 years, on his way to the sea. I haven’t walked it myself, but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t take that long.”

This was lost on me, but apparently noticeable to many others.

“a catastrophe has wiped out most of the Earth’s population and left ruin and desolation behind, the remaining humans are victimized by roaming motorcycle gangs of hijackers and thieves.”

I appreciated that they didn’t actually elaborate on the destruction caused by the catastrophe (which was referred to as “The Flash”).  They left it to the audience’s imagination to explain the inconsistencies in the post-”Flash” world.

My thoughts:

1.  I want the soundtrack.  It was awesome.

2.  A lot of Solara’s dialog and action was unnecessary and took away from the film.  At the end, when she said that she was headed home, I turned and looked at my date and said “I give her a day.”

3.  I’ve never seen Denzel be so bad-ass.  I loved it.

4.  So much was cliche, but humourous because of it.

5.  When the Alcatraz printing press started pushing out copies of The King James’ Bible, all I could think about were Dawkins’ Memes, the analogy to a virus that was almost extinct, and how close they were to a world without it.  (So close,  so close.)