Pretentious, Self-Righteous Essays

I’ve been to ugly places and back so many times in my life that I just expect something horrible to happen, and the circumstances to be unbearable. But I do this not in a pessimistic sort of way.  It’s more like a “that’s a part of life” sort of way.  I reached my lowest low around 2002-3.  There were a lot of things going on then.  What got me through it was the realization that I just needed to survive it.  Nobody asked anything of me.  Only I demanded everything of myself.  I was my own worst enemy, feeling as though I needed to not only survive, but that I needed to do so spectacularly – the way the heroes do in the movies.  But I only needed to live  … which was nearly impossible not to do.  It’s not as though all of the emotional pain could kill me directly.  Only I could do that.

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A Peek Through Tinted Glasses

By Carolyn Ursabia (circa 2000)

Did you know I died that day?

Held loosely onto life’s last breath

Decided I had nothing more to give,

I closed my eyes and embraced my death.

Didn’t I deserve more than this?

Because, I swear, I’ve done my best.

The blind faith wasn’t good enough

To have succeeded beyond this relentless test?

Because a heart can only take so much.

When broken, needs time to heal.

What then when it all comes down at once?

Mine surrendered its capacity to feel.

I thought experience was supposed to grant wisdom:

Break you down, then make you strong,

Open up your heart and mind

And teach you right from wrong.

Yet, still I see my world of darkness

Where no one saw my pain.

I see my restless, cloudy skies

And endless nights of rain.

I see myself, an empty shell

The remnants of a mind

The memory of who could have been

Had life, to me, had been more kind.

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The Days of Grey

By Carolyn Ursabia (circa 2003)

I reside in the days of gray -

The meaningless ‘in between’

Where nothing counts.

Outside the bright sun shines

And makes me angry

Because it lies – the sun lies!

It is not a bright new day

Time could not have passed

Because I am still here

Where nothing changes inside me.

And where once I had hoped

That it would be TIME that would save me,

I was wrong.

Instead TIME opened up my eyes.

It shone the sun’s LIGHT upon the truth:

Time does not heal all wounds.

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Daniel, you always rescued me, and taught me that I never needed saving.

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Tags: Real Life Event, Relationships