Pretentious, Self-Righteous Essays

I’ve been to ugly places and back so many times in my life that I just expect something horrible to happen, and the circumstances to be unbearable. But I do this not in a pessimistic sort of way.  It’s more like a “that’s a part of life” sort of way.  I reached my lowest low around 2002-3.  There were a lot of things going on then.  What got me through it was the realization that I just needed to survive it.  Nobody asked anything of me.  Only I demanded everything of myself.  I was my own worst enemy, feeling as though I needed to not only survive, but that I needed to do so spectacularly – the way the heroes do in the movies.  But I only needed to live  … which was nearly impossible not to do.  It’s not as though all of the emotional pain could kill me directly.  Only I could do that.

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A Peek Through Tinted Glasses

By Carolyn Ursabia (circa 2000)

Did you know I died that day?
Held loosely onto life’s last breath
Decided I had nothing more to give,
I closed my eyes and embraced my death.

Didn’t I deserve more than this?
Because, I swear, I’ve done my best.
The blind faith wasn’t good enough
To have succeeded beyond this relentless test?

Because a heart can only take so much.
When broken, needs time to heal.
What then when it all comes down at once?
Mine surrendered its capacity to feel.

I thought experience was supposed to grant wisdom:
Break you down, then make you strong,
Open up your heart and mind
And teach you right from wrong.

Yet, still I see my world of darkness
Where no one saw my pain.
I see my restless, cloudy skies
And endless nights of rain.

I see myself, an empty shell
The remnants of a mind
The memory of who could have been
Had life, to me, had been more kind.

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The Days of Grey

By Carolyn Ursabia (circa 2003)

I reside in the days of gray -
The meaningless ‘in between’
Where nothing counts.
Outside the bright sun shines
And makes me angry
Because it lies – the sun lies!
It is not a bright new day
Time could not have passed
Because I am still here
Where nothing changes inside me.
And where once I had hoped
That it would be TIME that would save me,
I was wrong.
Instead TIME opened up my eyes.
It shone the sun’s LIGHT upon the truth:
Time does not heal all wounds.

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Daniel, you always rescued me, and taught me that I never needed saving.

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Tags: Real Life Event, Relationships